Well, I changed my mind a hundred times. I was done. No I wasn't. Yes! I was. But maybe... it went on, and on for months. I was losing sleep.I couldn't think about anything else. I was getting obsessed. What should I do? I would tell Jeremiah something different every week- sometimes I would change my mind the same day!(he's a very patient man) I pride myself on being a pretty practical, down-to-earth kind of person, but I literally felt like I was losing my mind. Babies are powerful things.
Finally, we realized this wasn't going away, and the best thing to do was just go for it. It was scary! Another baby is going to make things crazy around here (more crazy!) ! But we knew in the long run, in the big picture, it will all be worth it. To look back one day and have no regrets, no what ifs? To have another person in our family to love and be loved by.
So the past few weeks have been busy. We really want Gracie to have her own room, (she shares with Caleb now) even if this baby is another girl (fingers crossed!!) We started turning the office area I'm sitting in now into a bedroom. Jeremiah's been sheet rocking and hammering up tiles and rewiring electrical outlets. We've been picking out furniture and carpet and paint. Baby #4 will be the first one to have a real "nursery", and Gracie will finally have her own bedroom. In some ways the baby I was afraid would complicate things is actually helping them fall into place.
There is one area though I AM freaking out about- school. The baby is due right when we usually start. I have a hard time keeping Caleb and Luke busy as it is- what's going to happen when I throw a nursing baby into the mix? To be perfectly honest, the first few days after we found out, I was starting to think about "real" school again. Maybe it would be better- Gracie would have a more structured day. She could take the bus, so I wouldn't even have to drive her. The responsibility would be off my shoulders. Someone else could worry about it. But is making her get up to ride the bus for an hour fair? Making her sit through busy work when she could be doing something more constructive? Miss out on our field trips and classes at the Wetland's Institute? I had no peace about it. It felt all wrong. Someday, it might be the right thing for us. But not yet.
So, I am still trying to come up with a game plan. One idea is to finish up 2nd in the spring and jump right into 3rd over the summer, then stop when the baby's born for a few months. The we could finish up 3rd later in the year on "schedule". I also looked into Switched on Schoolhouse, a completely software-based curriculum she can do on her own. It even plans lessons and grades for you. It would free me up to take care of the little guys but I'd still be available to help her when needed. It sounds great, but I've heard both really positive and really negative reviews. And I'm not sure I want her in front of a screen that long- I'm worried about her eyes, and carpal tunnel! Or, I could just relax. Not worry about it so much. Read some good books while the baby's sleeping. Teach her life skills about taking care of babies. Man that sounds great.
I do know, whatever we figure out about school time, I'm not letting anything take away from time with this baby. Baby #4 will forever be the baby of the family, and I plan to spend many hours cherishing those moments, home with ALL my babies.
Song for a Fifth (or fourth!) Child
- by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking. Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
