Nostalgia

Fall is here,hear the yell
back to school,ring the bell
brand new shoes,walking blues
climb the fence,books and pens
I can tell that we are gonna be friends
 
Walk with me,Suzy Lee
through the park and by the tree
we will rest upon the ground
and look at all the bugs we found
then safely walk to school
without a sound

Here we are,no one else
we walked to school all by ourselves
there's dirt on our uniforms
from chasing all the ants and worms
we clean up and now its time to learn

Numbers,letters,learn to spell
nouns,and books,and show and tell
at playtime we will throw the ball
back to class,through the hall
teacher marks our height
against the wall

And we don't notice any time pass
we don't notice anything
we sit side by side in every class
teacher thinks that I sound funny
but she likes the way you sing

Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we are gonna be friends
I can tell that we are gonna be friends
We are Going to be Friends- The White Stripes

I am so glad we made the choice to homeschool. I am completely confident it's the right path for our family. I rarely worry about academics, or socialization, grade levels or test scores, or the slew of other topics I should be worried about. In my dark moments, it's pure nostalgia that makes me doubt.

I remember picking out my lunchbox for the year
My new saddle shoes
My mom doing my hair in pigtails and my bangs cut way too short
The way school smelled when you first walked in after summer break
My plaid uniform jumper
Show and tell
Wearing my tie on chapel day
Trading snacks at lunch-nobody seemed to have food allergies then
Reciting catechisms
I think about a hundred pointless little things, and sometimes, I think maybe school isn't really so bad. Maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing.

But it is a big deal. The mind is a funny thing, because even though my own school experiences were often less than ideal (and some were terrible), my brain can still trick me into feeling all wistful and gooey. It's amazing how conditioned we are. As much as I like homeschooling, there's still a part of me that doesn't like doing something "different" (even though it's not that uncommon anymore). Part of me that just wants to go along with the norm because that's just what people do. School is just part of growing up. Everyone does it and everyone hates it and then you grow up and laugh about it and send your kid there.

Of course I have to remember that I'm thinking about school twenty years ago, and it was a private, church-run school. School today is very different, as evidenced by the growing numbers of shootings, bullying, and hyper-sexual behavior of students... and teachers. And even twenty years ago my playground was more like Lord of the Flies than Sesame Street (in case you're wondering, I was the Simon of the group, and look what happened to him). But I sometimes wonder when we read a book or watch a show about kids at school, if Gracie feels like she's missing anything.

I think she is missing something.We all are. It's not school. It's the way school could be.

At any rate, when I get all misty-eyed and doubtful listening to The White Stripes, it helps to think of another famous school song:


We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the class room
Teachers leave those kids alone
Hey, teachers! Leave those kids alone!

All in all, it's just another brick in the wall  :)

My big, fat, happy family dilemma

It's already one of  "those" days. Within an hour of waking up, everyone was miserable. Gracie and Caleb started fighting over who-knows-what; she was on his side of the couch, he made a grumpy face at her, he bumped her, and Luke is just screaming because he has this one tooth coming in that can't quite seem to make it. The clincher came when I (foolishly) attempted to use the bathroom. As soon as I stepped inside I heard a scuffle, then the banging on the door. Caleb walked by Gracie and pulled her pants down. She yelled at him and sat down on the floor to pull them back up. When she did that, she put her toast down on the dirty, rock-salt covered floor. I told her now the toast was dirty and to throw it out. I might as well have kicked her cat in the head. The tears, the desperation. To think that I would make her part with this precious toast for the rest of eternity. The nerve. And all the while Luke is constantly scream-whining in the background as he violently chews the zipper on his pj's.

It's ok though, I can handle this. It is, after all, what I signed up for when I started having kids. But it makes me wonder, do I want to re-enlist when this tour is up? And more importantly, is it even up to me?

I started this debate with myself well over a year ago. I was still pregnant with Luke, and we "planned" on him being the last one. Then, as I read hundreds of pages of homeschooling info, I stumbled across quite a few homeschoolers who had families of Duggaresque proportions. I brushed it off, because homeschoolers can be extremists. But the subject nagged at me, until I finally started REALLY thinking about it.

I grew up in a conservative Baptist church. A few families had four or five kids, but most of them had two kids, just like my family. It was never, ever discussed, but it just seemed that you get to decide how many kids you want and then have them. And having more than three was just irresponsible. My grandmother, a feminist before there were feminists,even had a finger play for it. "If she had done THIS(crossing her fingers) instead of THIS(opening her fingers in a V), she wouldn't have had THIS(holding up all five fingers)!" she would hiss. It was clear to me, people who had lots of kids were pretty dumb. Still, it did seem to me that it would be fun to have lots of brothers and sisters to play with.

As my wedding day approached I went to the doctor and dutifully obtained my prescription for birth control pills. I took them for a few months, and I could never put my finger on it, but it always felt wrong (it wasn't until years later that I learned about the abortifacient aspect of them). One month before our first anniversary, I was pregnant. Completely and totally by surprise. We were pretty upset, but quickly got over it. We knew if we were having a baby, it was because God wanted us to. Gracie turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us. We adjusted pretty well; I stayed home with her and Jeremiah showered her with attention when he came home. Parenthood suited us. We talked about having another baby and since then the years have been largely consumed by having or not having a baby. And let's just say only one of my kids has been "planned".

But now here I am, questioning who I am to "plan" a baby anyway. Doesn't God ultimately plan them all?  I've moved beyond not using the pill because of the way it works to wondering if I have the "right" to decide who gets to be born anyway. I'm struggling with if it's ever ok to prevent a pregnancy, other than not participating in what causes it. If God is the author of life, why do I try to prevent it? I had an interesting thought- A man can kill someone, at any time. It's physically easy to kill someone. There are many ways to do it. We're all capable of it. But no man, no doctor, no scientist, can create a life. A husband and wife can go through all the right steps to get pregnant and still fail. Doctors jump-start it with test tubes and dishes using existing material, but ONLY GOD  can create it. We just can't do it. So if it's something so far out of our power, is it right to tamper with it at all?

But isn't it foolish to take no preventative measures? Won't you have 12 kids if you do that? Where will you get the money? You'll need a giant house.How can you spend time with all those kids? How can you give them all enough attention? Someone will always be left out. And forget going to Disney. How will you pay for college? Maybe God let us invent birth control so we can be responsible. But the Bible also says He will supply all my needs. And children are a blessing from Him. God never changes. Why would He give commands to "be fruitful and multiply"(Adam, Noah) speak of children as blessings, and then let us choose to stop at three? He repeatedly showed His power by opening the barren womb(Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth) Proverbs says blessed is the man who has his quiver full- his children will be like arrows in the hand of a mighty warrior.Pretty religious-extremist sounding, huh? But then consider that Islam is the fastest growing religion, not because of converts, but because they have lots of kids. Maybe if we as Christians stopped preventing children, there would be a lot more of us, and we could impact the world more. I also find it really interesting to consider the stand of the Catholic church. We as Christians are always quick to condemn Catholics. But historically, both the Christian church and the Catholic church forbade birth control.. It wasn't until the last century that the Christian church cracked under pressure from its members and condoned it.The Catholic church didn't budge on that one. Maybe family planning is one big lie Satan told us to make the Church shrink...and shrink...and shrink...

By now you're probably thinking, "Ok, Colleen has boarded the crazy train. First it was the homeschooling, now she's gonna be barefoot and pregnant till she's 45!" Trust me this all SOUNDS crazy to me. Sometimes I HOPE it's crazy. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to produce children indefinitely. I have lots of things I want to do. For one thing I would like to start going to the bathroom in peace. I would also like to be thin again and have some clothes that aren't stained with spit-up. I would like to eventually travel with human beings that can walk unassisted and not take a 40 pound double stroller and 30 pounds of gear everywhere I go. I would like to sit down to a meal without first cutting up three platefuls of food. I love love love my kids. I don't wish this time away, but I also have the feeling that I don't want to stretch out the baby stage for another decade. But I'm struggling with it just the same. When I think about a Sovereign God controlling everything it all seems pretty black-and-white. But when I think about applying it to my own life it fades to gray.

Jeremiah has no problem having no more kids.He feels God gives us guidance and lets us decide how many kids we want. That is a nice,comfortable view, and I wish I shared it. It would make my life so much simpler. Sometimes I think I should leave it all up to him as my head and not worry about it. Wash my hands if you will.

I don't have the answer. Part of me is scared to find it, because it might require a level of obedience I don't want. I know obedience always brings blessings. It's just that when I think of those blessings being more little people, I feel a little bit sick... and yet to this day I have never met a large family that is unhappy. But I've met plenty of small ones. Maybe because the large families have parents who are truly unselfish.

Seven

"Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man."
"Give me a child until he is seven and I care not who gets him thereafter".

Both these quotes are attributed to early Jesuit founders. I remember reading the second as a high school student, and even then, with motherhood years away, it left an impression on me. The idea that a child's first seven years were so impressionable, so important, that if you did a good job then you had little to fear. The idea that a child's character is more or less sealed by then. Is that true? Is it possible that your whole belief system, your values, are dependent on the first seven years of your life? I believe so. The Bible tells us, "Train up a CHILD in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Not "train up a teen", or a "tween"(I hate that word anyway), but "train up a child".

I forgot the quote until last year. We had already been considering homeschooling, and God brought that quote back into my mind. I more or less made my decision then. My duty as a parent became perfectly clear.

Today Gracie turns seven. It really feels like a milestone-kind of birthday to me. She's still little, and yet today, it seems as if she's crossed some invisible threshold. She's growing up, learning new things, and forming her own thoughts and opinions. She constantly amazes me with her creativity and with her humor. I'm impressed by the almost adult level of conversation we sometimes have, like the ones we've been having lately about our spring veggie garden and plans for baby chicks. And yet she's still 100% kid, playing crazy made up games, making huge messes, and yes, fighting with her brother. I don't fool myself that she's perfect. She has years of growing ahead, years that will be filled with both right and wrong choices, with triumphs and tears. But if the Jesuit motto is any indication, I think she'll turn out pretty good.