My big, fat, happy family dilemma

It's already one of  "those" days. Within an hour of waking up, everyone was miserable. Gracie and Caleb started fighting over who-knows-what; she was on his side of the couch, he made a grumpy face at her, he bumped her, and Luke is just screaming because he has this one tooth coming in that can't quite seem to make it. The clincher came when I (foolishly) attempted to use the bathroom. As soon as I stepped inside I heard a scuffle, then the banging on the door. Caleb walked by Gracie and pulled her pants down. She yelled at him and sat down on the floor to pull them back up. When she did that, she put her toast down on the dirty, rock-salt covered floor. I told her now the toast was dirty and to throw it out. I might as well have kicked her cat in the head. The tears, the desperation. To think that I would make her part with this precious toast for the rest of eternity. The nerve. And all the while Luke is constantly scream-whining in the background as he violently chews the zipper on his pj's.

It's ok though, I can handle this. It is, after all, what I signed up for when I started having kids. But it makes me wonder, do I want to re-enlist when this tour is up? And more importantly, is it even up to me?

I started this debate with myself well over a year ago. I was still pregnant with Luke, and we "planned" on him being the last one. Then, as I read hundreds of pages of homeschooling info, I stumbled across quite a few homeschoolers who had families of Duggaresque proportions. I brushed it off, because homeschoolers can be extremists. But the subject nagged at me, until I finally started REALLY thinking about it.

I grew up in a conservative Baptist church. A few families had four or five kids, but most of them had two kids, just like my family. It was never, ever discussed, but it just seemed that you get to decide how many kids you want and then have them. And having more than three was just irresponsible. My grandmother, a feminist before there were feminists,even had a finger play for it. "If she had done THIS(crossing her fingers) instead of THIS(opening her fingers in a V), she wouldn't have had THIS(holding up all five fingers)!" she would hiss. It was clear to me, people who had lots of kids were pretty dumb. Still, it did seem to me that it would be fun to have lots of brothers and sisters to play with.

As my wedding day approached I went to the doctor and dutifully obtained my prescription for birth control pills. I took them for a few months, and I could never put my finger on it, but it always felt wrong (it wasn't until years later that I learned about the abortifacient aspect of them). One month before our first anniversary, I was pregnant. Completely and totally by surprise. We were pretty upset, but quickly got over it. We knew if we were having a baby, it was because God wanted us to. Gracie turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us. We adjusted pretty well; I stayed home with her and Jeremiah showered her with attention when he came home. Parenthood suited us. We talked about having another baby and since then the years have been largely consumed by having or not having a baby. And let's just say only one of my kids has been "planned".

But now here I am, questioning who I am to "plan" a baby anyway. Doesn't God ultimately plan them all?  I've moved beyond not using the pill because of the way it works to wondering if I have the "right" to decide who gets to be born anyway. I'm struggling with if it's ever ok to prevent a pregnancy, other than not participating in what causes it. If God is the author of life, why do I try to prevent it? I had an interesting thought- A man can kill someone, at any time. It's physically easy to kill someone. There are many ways to do it. We're all capable of it. But no man, no doctor, no scientist, can create a life. A husband and wife can go through all the right steps to get pregnant and still fail. Doctors jump-start it with test tubes and dishes using existing material, but ONLY GOD  can create it. We just can't do it. So if it's something so far out of our power, is it right to tamper with it at all?

But isn't it foolish to take no preventative measures? Won't you have 12 kids if you do that? Where will you get the money? You'll need a giant house.How can you spend time with all those kids? How can you give them all enough attention? Someone will always be left out. And forget going to Disney. How will you pay for college? Maybe God let us invent birth control so we can be responsible. But the Bible also says He will supply all my needs. And children are a blessing from Him. God never changes. Why would He give commands to "be fruitful and multiply"(Adam, Noah) speak of children as blessings, and then let us choose to stop at three? He repeatedly showed His power by opening the barren womb(Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth) Proverbs says blessed is the man who has his quiver full- his children will be like arrows in the hand of a mighty warrior.Pretty religious-extremist sounding, huh? But then consider that Islam is the fastest growing religion, not because of converts, but because they have lots of kids. Maybe if we as Christians stopped preventing children, there would be a lot more of us, and we could impact the world more. I also find it really interesting to consider the stand of the Catholic church. We as Christians are always quick to condemn Catholics. But historically, both the Christian church and the Catholic church forbade birth control.. It wasn't until the last century that the Christian church cracked under pressure from its members and condoned it.The Catholic church didn't budge on that one. Maybe family planning is one big lie Satan told us to make the Church shrink...and shrink...and shrink...

By now you're probably thinking, "Ok, Colleen has boarded the crazy train. First it was the homeschooling, now she's gonna be barefoot and pregnant till she's 45!" Trust me this all SOUNDS crazy to me. Sometimes I HOPE it's crazy. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to produce children indefinitely. I have lots of things I want to do. For one thing I would like to start going to the bathroom in peace. I would also like to be thin again and have some clothes that aren't stained with spit-up. I would like to eventually travel with human beings that can walk unassisted and not take a 40 pound double stroller and 30 pounds of gear everywhere I go. I would like to sit down to a meal without first cutting up three platefuls of food. I love love love my kids. I don't wish this time away, but I also have the feeling that I don't want to stretch out the baby stage for another decade. But I'm struggling with it just the same. When I think about a Sovereign God controlling everything it all seems pretty black-and-white. But when I think about applying it to my own life it fades to gray.

Jeremiah has no problem having no more kids.He feels God gives us guidance and lets us decide how many kids we want. That is a nice,comfortable view, and I wish I shared it. It would make my life so much simpler. Sometimes I think I should leave it all up to him as my head and not worry about it. Wash my hands if you will.

I don't have the answer. Part of me is scared to find it, because it might require a level of obedience I don't want. I know obedience always brings blessings. It's just that when I think of those blessings being more little people, I feel a little bit sick... and yet to this day I have never met a large family that is unhappy. But I've met plenty of small ones. Maybe because the large families have parents who are truly unselfish.