Butting Heads

I've been having a frustrating day. No, week. Month. Actually, it's an issue that has always been present, it just "flares up" more from time to time. When it flares up, it skews my view of my kids, myself, almost my whole life. I guess that sounds dramatic, but it's how I feel from time to time.

Caleb is my little buddy. He worships the ground I walk on. In his eyes, I can do no wrong. According to him, I make the bed good. My hair "wooks" good. He actually thanks me after I wipe him in the bathroom. He holds the door for me when I unload groceries, without being asked.  He is all hugs and kisses to me. His name is the literal word for "dog" and carries the idea of faithfulness. That's Caleb. If  anybody crosses me, they better watch out. They will have 30 lbs and 32 inches comin' at them.

Gracie on the other hand, seems like she is always out to prove me wrong. She loves letting me know when I forget things. She loves correcting me if I misquote someone. She is a know-it-all, and loves to be the boss. Sometimes I feel like she's just waiting to throw me under the bus. The problem is, we are too much alike. We both have strong personalities, and as a result, we butt heads a lot, and it makes homeschooling really difficult sometimes.

Just this morning, she was working on a craft. She tried to glue something, turn it over, and then color it. The glue was running everywhere, and she was frustrated. I tried to show her that she had to let the glue dry, and I got excuses why it would work the way she planned. I told her to practice piano, and when I corrected her hand position, (at her teacher's request!) I got excuses why it was too hard that way. And so it goes for most of our life- if I correct handwriting, she says she's doing it the way her teacher in public school showed her- if I correct math, she will explain that, in fact, when she used the counters, the sum WAS nine. She is so very worried about being wrong, that she will just give up and not try. If she doesn't know an answer immediately, she doesn't want to think through and venture a guess. She wants to to be right. She cannot, she WILL NOT, be wrong. And it gets under my skin like nothing else. It makes me angry, and disappointed. It makes me want to scream and punish.It makes me feel like a horrible teacher, and a horrible mom. It makes me feel like giving up and sending her to school.

But then I think, What would that solve? What would that teach her, except, "yeah mom is wrong and you need a school and teacher to learn things"?  Or worse, "mom gave up on me"? As frustrating as it is, I think it shows that she needs homeschooling more, so she can learn to respect me. And I think she does, for the most part. I think the problem is maybe more about herself than me. I think she has a pride problem. I think she's also a perfectionist and being wrong embarrasses her. I think as she matures and grows in the Lord she will learn, as I did, that she doesn't know everything, and she'll experience the freedom that realization brings. I think I'm probably an easy target for her know-it-all-ness. I think we all probably treat our moms the worst of anyone in our lives, because we know they are the one person, the only person, who will truly love and accept you just the way you are. The only person who will forgive you for all the times you dump on them.Your dad, your siblings, your spouse- they all have their limits. But your mom never moves, no matter how hard you push her.

I don't have the solution. There probably isn't one. This is who Gracie is, and this is who I am, and all we can do is work through times like this. Deep down I know I'm not a failure, but I sure do feel that way sometimes. And I know Gracie loves me and looks up to me in a lot of ways. But she can frustrate me so quickly!

Ironically, Gracie being proud keeps me humble, and Gracie being a know-it-all shows me...I don't know-it- all.