Scaredy Mom

I remember being a teenager, talking with my friends about what kind of moms we'd be. I always envisioned myself as a laid-back, unstressed, anything-goes kind of mom. But now that I AM a mom, I feel like the complete opposite of what I thought I would be.

Gracie is invited to a birthday party at a bowling alley this weekend. The only problem is, Jeremiah is busy, so in order to stay with her, I would have to entertain two squirmy boys at the bowling alley. Do I have to stay? Can I drop her off? What if something happens?

I worry so much about my kid's safety. Probably too much. My kids have never slept with their windows open, because I'm afraid someone will kidnap them in the middle of the night. I even went so far as to get alarms on the windows so they can sleep with them cracked, but if they get moved an alarm goes off. Is that going overboard? Probably. But I can't sleep otherwise.

I grew up outside of Wildwood, and every summer we went to the boardwalk. We also went to Great Adventure and Busch Gardens. I loved the rides, especially the roller coasters. But now that I have kids, the idea of strapping them into a seat that propels them 60 mph through the air is unthinkable. I read an article this afternoon about a girl falling off the ferris wheel on Morey's Pier. She died.  I let them go on the little stuff now, but when they're old enough for roller coasters, forget it. I'm sure they will hate me for it, especially when all their friends talk about it. But it just seems unnecessarily risky.

Once when Gracie was a baby, I dreamed she was drowning in the ocean. When I tried to save her, my body was like cement and I couldn't move to her. I could see her smiling face in the waves, until it went under and I woke up in a panic. Then when Caleb was a toddler, I had recurring dreams about him falling from horrible heights. I would be at the top and I could see him going down, down, down, and when he'd hit the bottom, same thing, I'd wake up in a panic. These are the kind of irrational fears that plague my psyche.

They've never had babysitters besides family members and one or two very close friends. It would be really convenient if I could hire a really nice teenage girl. But what if they choke on something? What if Caleb jumps off the top bunk and breaks something? What if Luke pulls a knife out of the dishwasher(it's happened before). What if she has a friend stop over and they do something horrible? What if, what if, what if?

What if Gracie goes to the birthday party and someone steals her from the bowling alley? What if she goes to use the bathroom and someone hurts her? What if?

Somewhere in the midst of my what ifs, I saw them for what they really are- a lack of faith. God gave me these children, but ultimately, they are His. I am called to do the best I can for them, but I can't control everything that happens to them, no matter how hard I try.

So I will let Gracie go to the party without me. I've been friends with the mom for years, and I know she'll take good care of her. I will trust that God will keep her safe.

But roller coasters are still out of the question.