The Still Small Voice of a Screaming Baby

I love big families. I always have. Growing up with just one brother, I always dreamed about having a sister. All the kids I knew with families bigger than mine always seemed to have so much fun, and they usually had these cool parents who did fun things with them, like bust out guitars and have campfire sing-alongs. Being at their house was like a constant slumber party. So by the time I was twelve, I had established that I would have a large family.

Fast forward 17 yrs and big families are "in", thanks to the Duggars, Jon and Kate, and a bunch of other TLC shows. I am not the kind of person to be swayed by the media or current trends. I actually pride myself with how disinterested I am in Hollywood and reality TV. But the big family shows draw me in with their siren's song of happy, crazy, messy, fun lives. Add to that the growing number of friends and acquaintances I have who are adding to their families, and my head is full of uncertainty.

This is something I've been struggling with for a long time. About two years I would guess. Some of you who follow my blog may remember I've written about my struggle with family planning (or lack thereof) before. My struggle is still going on, but I feel like it's reaching it's end, that I am finally coming to the conclusion that, as much as I would love to, and as much as I admire and respect large families, it's not for me. More specifically, I don't think God wants it for me. Elijah listened for God's voice in wind and fire, something dramatic, and found it in a still small voice. I keep waiting for an answer to my prayers, a big sign or deep conviction. I feel like He speaks to me through a small child named Luke.

Again, if you follow my blog, you will remember I've written about Luke, and how absolutely trying he is. Gracie and Caleb were, and continue to be, happy, easygoing, little kids, full of laughter and wonder. Luke is not like them. He is one unhappy kid. Almost all the time. Without being dramatic, I feel like I shuffle through life in a constant state of exhaustion. I constantly have tension in my shoulders. I can't do the things I used to do. My husband and I take turns sitting in church, because he screams non-stop in nursery. I can't go to the store anymore. Last time I tried I had to leave a full cart of groceries in the middle of BJs because he wouldn't stop screaming and bashing his head into Caleb. I can't wear my glasses even though contacts bother me, because he smacks them off my face. I have not sat through a meal in months. And it doesn't just affect me. One night after Luke went to sleep, Gracie covered her ears and said, "Ugh! I can still hear Luke screaming in my head."

Before you write me off as the worst mom ever for complaining about my son, know that I'm not really trying to complain. I am saying all this in a matter-of-fact way. I have come to terms with this. This is how my life is, and that's ok. I love my son so much. He is my little snugglebug. He gives the best baby kisses and hugs and sings the sweetest songs. He makes me laugh with his dancing and bawk-ing like a chicken. But he makes me realize I have reached my limit.

                                                                              

Last night I went to visit a friend a her beautiful newborn baby. I wondered when I held her what I would feel. Longing? Sadness at the thought of no more children? She was perfect and tiny and pink and soft. And I felt nothing but happiness for my friend.

There is a movement in the church right now to abandon family planning and let God do it for you. I agree that you should let God plan your family. I think it's something you need to pray about a lot and seek Godly direction on. God has a special place in His heart for children, and we need to have the same heart. But I don't think it's necessary to abandon the physical planning of your family. God has a different plan for every family. Like homeschooling, I think it's something God will call you to. Some people are called to have a large family. Others are not. The important thing is not the size of your family, but letting God lead you. Some people (and I agreed with this for a while) argue God commanded people to "be fruitful and multiply"- but commands are for everyone. Why would God command that, and then render some people barren, unable to follow His command? I believe "be fruitful and multiply" is a blessing, not a command. I certainly count every one of my children as blessings, especially Luke. In the beginning of my pregnancy it looked like we might lose him. Now I thank God for him every day. But I'm starting to think my family is perfect just the way it is  :o)